I went to the most amazing conference last week (babby's first academic publication as a hilariously late bloomer, unreal) but while the social experiences I had there were really unforgettable and fantastic, I've had a surprisingly hard time returning to work. I've spent nine months trying to get my project off the ground, with SO little material support, that I feel honestly it was easier being pregnant for nine months - and that's saying something because BALLS do I hate being pregnant.

I don't yet feel like I can write the past almost-year off as a loss and move on to something else. There's still a possibility I get some budget this month to hire an engineer, in which case I'll have a few more months of wind in my sails. But if I don't, I think the conference actually made it easier for me to decide to leave. Which is weird - the whole time I was there I was thinking, "Wow, I have GOT to stay in this subfield so I can keep coming to these things!" - but as I returned to work I was just crushed by how little my day-to-day of tilting at windmills has in common with this more academic situation. And I don't see myself moving further along that academic track. I just don't have a life that's compatible with it. I've got kids, I've got a husband with a big job, and probably most importantly, I don't have the deep belief that the work I've been doing is getting me anywhere, or changing anything. And it seems like you've got to have that, to do that kind of work.

I got into my field because I wanted to change the direction of my company as it operates in my industry. I'd like to think I've made a little bit of a dent. But fuck if I know how to widen that dent, and it's really starting to be a thorn in my side, not to know.

So, I don't know, I'm thinking about throwing up my hands about all this and retraining to work on compilers??